


A shoulder to cry on

by Dave_Strider



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2013-05-08
Packaged: 2017-12-10 20:04:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/789632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dave_Strider/pseuds/Dave_Strider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurloz is dating meulin when he walks in on her cheating on him with some other guy. Since he has no friends he runs off untill a certain red sweater waring cancer finds him. Read to find out what else happens. I suck at summaries...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an rp me an kankri Goddamntriggers Vantas did. It's also my first story so...ya...it's most likely going to suck but please r§r

A tall lanky young adult stretched a's he woke up. It was 5:30 am and the other side of his bed was empty, a's usual. He had been dating Meulin for the past 3 years but recently she was never there, even though she didn't work. She usually went to the bar then slept at some random strangers house, but he didn't want to think of that. He slowly got out of bed and replaced his smeared make up. He then headed down stairs and made coffee. He drank four cups before getting a cold shower to wake him up the rest of the way. He then cleaned the entire house in hopes of maybe she would stay tonight. 

Around seven he headed of to his first job. He had multiple jobs just to pay for there small apartment and all the bar bills. She would occasionally pay for them but she usually just spent what little she got for slutty clothes. 

His first job was at the local cafe. He worked a's a waitress. His uniform was a pair of shorts with roller-skates and a frilly apron over a black tight tanktop. It was suppose to only be for during the summer yet here he was in the middle of winter waring that exact uniform.

He got to work to be confronted by his boss, who in the nicest way possible laid him off. He then was sent back home. He started to get suspicious a's ge spotted a bright purple and black car. He knew go in but he did anyway. He saw her clothes scattered around a's usual, but there was a new white tshirt. he held his Hand above the door knob before opening it. 

He squeaked at the sight he saw. He spotted her and the asshole Cronus laying together naked in the bed. 

Kurloz covered his mouth and ran out, tears pricking at his eyes. he ran untill he collapsed on a small bysical trail and silently wept, only little squeaks and wimpers echoing through the air. You see he was mute and thus lacked the ability to voice his opinion.

Kankri Vantas was certainly a man of many words. He was a lonely, yet somewhat creative young man, whom lacked any skill when it came to emotions and hurt. He was, however, skilled with his expanded range of knowledge, and managed to help people often.

Karkat, his younger brother whom basically lived with Gamzee (what was his surname? Kankri wasn't sure, he'd never seen him, really), had actually been one of the many troubled individuals Kankri could assist.

It was a simple day; windy, but the sun hid behind dreary and heavy clouds that hung heavily and miserably over the busy city of Alternia. Vantas had managed to secure a part-time job writing for a well-known paper, the SGRUB Times, and it's pay was good! All was calm, serene for the guy.

But he was lonely, sad, and he had nobody to show that to-maybe it was because he was arrogant, with no sense of how he could offend people sometimes without even being aware he was doing it. And it truly saddened him to the core.

He was walking towards the quieter part of town, walking calmly near the bicycle trail where he could see a figure laying there, messy hair matted, anguished squeaks coming from the figure. The worst thing of all, though, is that Kankri recognized who it was, instantly. 

Kurloz Makara, the mute young man, who, was dating Meulin? Never mind, Kankri had to make sure he was alright... He frowned, dropped his bag onto the sidewalk and stepped over to Kurloz, curling an arm around him and bringing him away from the trail, sitting behind him and simply holding him there. "Kurloz, calm down, you need to breath--! Kurloz--/Kurloz,/" he said sternly. "It's me, it's Kankri, I'm... Here, it'll be alright?" Kankri didn't know what was happening, but it seemed bad, and he had a strong desire to offer his assistance.

He looked up at him with his sad, tear filled eyes. He still was crying and no longer cared if he could barely breath. He was surprised with the arm around him let alone who it belonged to. He was actually surprised anyone stopped in the first place. People thought if him a's the weird freaky guy who was nothing but a waste if space and time. He usually ignored it because he would have meulin there to stand up for him but now...he didn't want to think about it. 

He hid his face in his knees a's he continued to squeak and wimper. In the process he smeared his make up all over his pants. His entire body shook a's he sobbed out. It only got worse a's he thought about what he was going to do now. He had no friends to go to, and his brother hated him at the moment. He just felt so alone and useless, a's if he held no purpose at all anymore. He wished he would of had the hurts to just through himself off of a bridge already so he could stop wasting everyones time and energy. 

Kankri's eyebrows furrowed together, his words stuck in his throat momentarily. Out of all the times the Vantas had seen Kurloz, he'd always been happy, smitten with Meulin, and make-up never out of place. And now Kankri saw him like this and, he was a wreck. A complete and utter wreck.

Kankri couldn't watch this, but at the same time, he had to help. He glanced back at his abandoned bag, deciding to leave it for the time being. It was a quiet place, most kids in school, adults working until late hours. "Kurloz.. Hey, look at me; what triggered this, hm?" He knew Kurloz wouldn't be able to reply, yet sometimes a reassuring. soft-toned voice was all someone needed.

He curled both arms around the Makara now, smoothing his hair with one hand. "Sh.... You aren't alone. Meulin's probably waiting for you back home!" And of course, Kankri being unaware of the juggalo's inconveniences, thought that was the case. Even so, Kurloz's love couldn't see him like this. "... Actually, come on. I suppose I could offer you some resource, shelter, food, and a warm bath, at least." Kankri suggested, since he'd probably allow Kurloz to stay for a bit. But what more could he do? It was evident how broken a man he was, after all.

Kurloz started crying more at the mention of meulin. Most of his make up was gone now and on his black pants. He new kankri didn't know about meulin but it still hurt like he'll. His chest burned from lack of air and the mental pains of remembering what meulin did. 

He just wanted to end it all already but sadly that wasnt an option a's long a's kankri was there. He dug his sharp nails into the soft flesh of his own arms a's he pulled his legs closer. Some blood escaped the small wounds and trickled down his arm. 

Kankri, despite not wanting to use a little force wrapped both arms around Kurloz' s chest, pulling him from his knees, keeping the Makara from hurting himself in some way. What on earth could have caused this kind of anguished reaction from Kurloz?

"Kurloz, please, give me a sign that you're not going to--... You know, do something /stupid--/" Kankri rocked them back and forth, slowly, letting the silent sobs that shook Kurloz' s body to continue for a while. What more could he do than be there? He wondered why Kurloz had such a reaction to the very mention of Leijon though...

"... Kurloz," the Vantas said softly after a few moments of holding him there, noticing a warm trickle on his arm. He looked down, to see some of Kurloz' s blood from the small scratches had dripped onto the exposed flesh of Kankri's lower arm, where he rolled up his red sleeve. 

The makara was anaware of the blood, all he new was the mental pains dissipated some into physical. Physical felt so much better right now so he dug his nails in more. He wanted all emotional pain out and physical was the only other option. He still wimpered some but the squeaking had stopped. 

He wandered why kankri hadn't left him like every one else. Why he insisted on helping him even when getting nothing in return. He also couldn't help but feel like he was just wasting kankris time and energy. He would tell him he was fine and to just leave him there but his hands were to shaky. They also were abit preoccupied with stabbing his nails into his forearms. 


	2. Chapter 2

Kankri had simply let his forehead rest on Kurloz's shoulder, the feeling of the blood on his arm making him feel nauseous, what with the many vividly detailed stories about his father's scars, the cuts and bruises and lashes along his torso that Kankri and Karkat had been told to avoid asking questions about. And it reminded him so much, the warm drip onto his arm, of the very same marks. And it triggered him, and he nearly snapped at Kurloz to just /STOP./

But he couldn't, he really couldn't. He breathed slowly, moving from behind Kurloz and shifting in front of him, both of them still on the sidewalk. He moved his fingers beneath the other's chin, tilting the mute's head up to look at him. "Kurloz, look at me--that's it... Oh my-" Kankri had never seen him without his usual make-up before, and he looked different this day, with a steady stream of agonized tears flowing down his cheeks. For once, he looked vulnerable, completely weak, about to give up. 

He grabbed his wrists, holding them to Kankri's chest. "No, stop it. You mustn't hurt yourself. Oh gods..." He bit down on his own lip for a few moments, wondering what would be the best course of action to take in such a situation. He closed his eyes and sighed, before standing and curling his arms around Kurloz, lifting him up by his side, bag now on his other shoulder. "Do you trust me? I do hope so... Just... Come on. I'll take you to mine for a while, where I can help you. But you need to let me help you, you can't hurt yourself like this..."

He panicked abit when the other picked him up. He was unused to people touching him. He quickly calmed down though and hid his face in the others soft, fuzzy, sweater. 

He still desperately wanted to just end it all. He was tired of faking smiles, tired of pretending everything was alright, tired of living even. He wondered what he had done wrong to deserve this kind of treatment. This kind of sucky life. 

He clung desperately to the other, happy that it gave him an excuse not to lie to the other. He missed the physical pain so much that he knew he would hurt himself more. And perhaps kill himself if given the opportunity. He wimpered a's he continued to sob. He was abit surprised to see he had this many tears to cry, after all he hadn't cryed often.

Kankri murmured beneath his breath, a soft, low hum, like his father used to do whenever he was hurt. The rain had began to shower down on them, but it was light, a misty drizzle. Luckily, his height added an extra advantage, allowing Kurloz to nestle into him for any further amount of comfort his presence could possibly offer.

Kankri had taken the time to actually get to know the Makara, not too long ago; yet, truth be known, he'd been rather intimidated by Meulin's loud and enthusiastic nature at the time, as it had been, what, fairly early in the morning after a whole night of no sleep, caffeine and simply writing his next article. He felt a strong urge to help him, and no matter what he had to do, he'd make sure to make Kurloz feel alright. Because honestly? It made him anxious, so terribly anxious to see him like this. 

He had mentally arranged how he'd help Kurloz. For the entire evening, tomorrow and the day after if he had to, he'd make sure he wasn't alone, so that he couldn't do anything stupid. Kankri would stay by his side, make sure he slept peacefully, even if it meant he lost sleep in return. Maybe Kurloz would even communicate with him and tell him what had happened, if he trusted him--but Kankri wouldn't push him. 

He clutched the other close, resting his cheek on the other's head, continuing to walk to the flat Kankri was temporarily staying in. Perhaps... Perhaps he could actually be of use to someone after all.

His sobs were finnally dissipating into childish wimpers that filled the night sky. He no longer held the energy to continue crying. Or the will to either. He wished it would rain harder so it could numb the enternal pain he had. At least untill he was able to cause more physical injuries. 

He wandered why kankri was helping him at all. He had actually had a crush on him a while back but was to shy to say anything. He was surprised he even had the guts to ask meulin out, even if at the time it was to fool the school into thinking he was straight. 

A faint blush crept into his face at the closeness of kankri. He was unaware of it though, all he new was that his heart felt abit better when in the arms of kankri. He nuzzled up against him some more.

He new all thoughts going threw his mind were currently not an option so he tryed to think of other things. The farthest he got though was to a dead leaf before in got back onto suicide. He couldn't help but feel slightly jelouse over it. It could just rot away without anyone caring or possibly even knowing. He wished that would be the case with him but he knew his brother, Gamzee, would care. And he didn't want to upset him further and cause him to do worse then smoke weed.


	3. Chapter 3

Kankri listened intently to how Kurloz sobbed and whined, considering he had been mute, Janeiro had never heard his voice, if it had ever been there. It was a sad fact, indeed, since he had always wanted to hear whether his voice would have been smooth and soft or cultured and raspy, but he was fine without knowing. All he wanted, really, was for the juggalo to be /happy./ And, truth be known, he was shocked by how he looked without that usual makeup of his!

"There, there... You can stay with me for a while, and I'll explain and get you warm and cleaned up once we get there. I promise," he murmured, voice a soothing source of reassurance, clear to him that Kurloz was suffering from heartbreak.

As for his feelings for Kurloz Makara, he had always been so confused! One day he felt this, one day he felt that, but he kept it to himself, regardless. Maybe the time seeing Kurloz so weak and helping him through it would help Kankri get his mind set~

He kept his arm securely around Kurloz, finding it oddly nice, despite how sad Kurloz must have been. He supposed he /had/ had feelings that were of romantic influence for him, despite his being with Meulin. Either way, he'd have to ignore them, and focus on helping Kurloz. Speaking of which, he'd really have to clean the scratches on his arm, firstly.

Whatever was running through Kurloz' s head, Kankri had a strong desire to know, to see if he could offer his assistance. That, of course, was no option. He walked and walked onwards, clutching Kurloz into him. 

After another ten minutes of relentless walking, they came to a large block of flats, Kankri guiding the pair into the ground floor. From there, they made their way up three flights of stairs, before Kankri came to a large door at the end of the clean hallway, pulling a pair of keys out of his pocket. Before he opened the door, he glanced at Kurloz, keeping his tone light. "Hey, are you alright?"

Kurloz glanced around at all the other places before nodding slightly. He figured lying was better then kankri knowing the truth. He knew he would be devastated and would probably never leave him alone. 

But for now he was happy that he hadnt seen the blush on his cheeks. He desperately wanted his make up back to hide it. But he knew kankri wouldn't conveniently had any around. He still let kankri hold him close however wich only made him blush more. 

He wandered how the shorter young adult could Cary him for so long and not even be tired. Or at least he didn't appear to be tired.

Kankri could feel the uncertainty in the air from Kurloz, but with a soft smile, twisted his keys in the lock, pushing open the door to expose a clean apartment, papers scattered here and there. "... I should clean more often," Kankri grumbled to himself. See, Kankri took after his father in a lot of ways; he was the helper, who gave but never received, who tried to speak sense into people and just /help./ 

And he had to admit, Kurloz wasn't exactly light, either, but they were here now, at least. He walked his heartbroken friend over to the sofa, allowing Makara to sit there momentarily. Calm as ever, the Vantas walked to the kitchen area of his apartment, retrieving a glass of cold water, a paper tissue and two plasters. 

He strode carelessly back to Kurloz, taking a seat opposite him, placing the objects he had in hand on the floor, shifting to instead kneel in front of Kurloz on the floor. "Now, it seems the cuts you gave yourself are kind of dirty, you know. Do you mind if I clean them...?" Obviously, it'd involve a stinging sensation for a bit.

He looked up warmly into his friend's face, smiling noticeably at how his cheeks seemed so very rosy. It was endearing, truly, yet Kankri couldn't say Why. He laughed beneath his breath, finding the mute' s expressions all to be rather innocent and shocked, and he wondered why Kurloz covered himself up in the makeup!

He reached up his hand, signal for Kurloz to give him access to his arms, never breaking eye contact with him at all.

He blushed even more at the eye contact and turned his arm towards him. He wondered why he was so clean, his house was spotless already. The makaras house was also clean but it was only for meulin. 

He bit his lip with his abnormally pointy teeth. He knew it would sting and maybe even burn. When the other started to clean them he bit harder and tensed slightly. He still managed to blush even though he was in pain. 

He was also surprised how much kankri seemed to care for him even though they barely spoke before.

Maybe it ran in the family. Wasn't Gamzee a Makara? Maybe he was. Despite having hurt Karkat many times, Karkat always seemed to go back time after time. Despite barely knowing Kurloz, Kankri wanted to help, wanted to see him smile. The Vantas noticed how sharp Kurloz's teeth were, raising his free hand to run along the point below where his lip was being bitten. "No, don't do that, you'll bleed~" His voice was low, only to be heard by the mute himself. 

The truth was, Kankri didn't know why he cared for Kurloz, and he didn't want to know why; something to do with pain, something to do with irrational friendship, something ... /else/? No, he shouldn't be so silly, not at all. "This'll hurt just a little..." He curled his fingers around Kurloz's wrist, making sure his arm faced upwards. With his other hand he dabbed at the small cuts with water, cleaning some of the dirt from them. 

He chuckled when he saw Kurloz's brightened cheeks, but they weren't /that/ noticeable. He continued to dab at the small cuts, cleaning some blood from his pale skin. "You pressed incredibly hard, too." He frowned, shocked he could withstand such pain. How lonely was it, to be him? To not be able to communicate as well with people who didn't know sign language. 

He continued cleaning up for a minute or two, placing a plaster over one of the cuts which Kurloz seemed to have scratched to irritate. "Now, don't do it again, remember. You need to recover--I hope you know that, at least... Now, on topic of what happened--I won't pressurize you into telling me, I want you to understand that. But--when you feel ready, you can write it down, or something--simply a suggestion considering I... I honestly want to help you." He smiled slightly, and it was a two-sided thing. Kurloz needed comfort as much as Kankri needed company.

The makara silently watched the other. He had stopped biting his lip but only because the other had asked him to. Instead he opted for the inside of his cheek. He rather enjoyed the bit of a distraction it proved to be. 

He gingerly touched the part of his arm that had the cuts on it and sighed softly. He wasn't used to having another care for him, even his dad was never there to help when he got injured. He flinched slightly a's he carefully touched the wounds, testing to see how deep they were. Thankfully they had only just barely sunken into his pale squishy flesh. 

He wondered why all the vantas were so calm and collected all the time. How they managed to always be nice escaped kurlozs mind. 

He signed his apologies to the red sweater clad man infront of him. He wanted to apologies for being such an inconviniens and so bothersome. He wanted to apologies for waisting so much of kankris time and energy. And he especially wanted to apologies for bleeding on him earlier. He also signed his thanks to him for cleaning him up and bothering to talk to him. 

He wondered if the other could even read signlaunguage. After all it wasn't oftenly used by anyone in town. Even Meulin had a tough time understanding what he was trying to say. It often made him feel different in a weird way. It also made him feel unbelievably alone.


	4. Chapter 4

A thought flashed through his head--if he did let Kurloz alone, would he hurt himself in some way? After all, Kankri didn't know what had happened yet, but it was all a case of trust. If he gained Kurloz's trust, in turn, he could get an explanation and offer every effort into assisting him.

Kurloz was lucky, in Kankri's eyes. "They aren't too deep, so you'll be fine. But... I would consider staying here for a while. Something tells me your place isn't the best for you now?" He stood and moved to sit down beside Kurloz, keeping his entire demeanour of a non-intimidating and polite nature. He didn't move too close, but he keeps close enough so that he was of a reassuring, distance.

As a child Kankri had never really been taught sign-language. A few minor lessons in in the alphabet here and there, and a few phrases, but other than that, his knowledge in this particular area was extremely sketchy, per say. Was he signing... an apology? "There's no need to be sorry, at all. It's my pleasure, Kurloz. And you're welcome!"

"I never got to know you that well when I had the chance, I'll admit, and at the time you seemed perfectly happy with Meulin and people enjoyed your company. If anything, I'll admit I was rather... Intimidated, of sorts," he murmured, looking down at Kurloz's hands. To be honest, Kankri despised admitting to something making him feel small. "... and even though there's people you'd much rather receive help from--"

He sighed slightly, realizing he was rambling. Looking up, he spoke with more confidence this time, a tiny, faded pink colouring his cheeks. "Even though there are other's you'd rather be with for support, I want you to know I'm here for you, for whatever reasons."

He made a note mentally to learn some more sign language; it would certainly be useful. And in fact, off topic, once he made sure Kurloz at least felt a little less rattled, Kankri could go take a quick shower to relax for the evening, even if only a little.

Kurloz furrowed his eyebrows slightly then signed "I don't really have anyone else to..." he paused and sighed softly. "and I was happy...but hen her...and Cronus" he was signing abit mire sloppily and quickly a's tears rose to his eyes again. He quickly wiped them away with a shaky hand though. 

He blushed abit more a's he realized the pink on the others cheek. He couldnt help but wonder why he was so adorable. "you just go clean up...you look horrible" he reached forward and took a leaf out of his hair.

He really just wanted the other to leave so he could cause more harm to himself. He craved for the temporary release it had given him. He just wanted to forget about meulin and his heartbreak momentarily.

Kankri frowned, watching Kurloz's fingers with a high amount of concentration. His knowledge wasn't so advanced that he could make out what Kurloz was signing to him, but he did recognize 'Cronus,' which was enough to make him weary. Now, as much as he'd made efforts to befriend and bring out the best of the Ampora, he knew for a start Cronus and Kurloz had always /loathed/ each other, especially after several incidents concerning Mituna. 

The Vantas instantly saw the tears gathering in his eyes, and, with much hesitation, moved quickly and wrapped both arms around Kurloz and rest his head on his shoulder, rubbing his back in an affectionate kind of gesture. "... You're brave, you know; whatever it is, I'll make sure you get through it," he said lowly. 

Of course, he hugged Kurloz after he'd plucked the leaf from his hair and come closer. He was also incredibly warm, and it felt so /nice/ to hold him and think that maybe, it would help slightly.

He trusted Kurloz not to hurt himself for ten minutes, fifteen at tips. Pulling away slowly, he flicked some of the Makara' s hair out of his eyes. "Right. I'm going to go take a shower, since I need it. However. I'm trusting you not to do anything rash, alright? If you want, write stuff down and see if it helps with frustration?" He suggested with a shrug. He stood up and removed his red sweater, walking towards the bathroom. "I won't be long!" He called as he shut the door lazily, not locking it so that if something /did/ happen, he could get out quicker.

He blushed deeply a's the vantas removed his sweater. He nodded softly and waited for the door to close. The second it did he swiftly got up and headed towards the kitchen silently. He new he didn't have much time before the other finished. 

He grabbed a small, sharp knife and sat down, a's to not ruin his carpet. He bit his bottom lip and drug the blade over his inner wrist. The cool blood the trickled down his arm brought great releafe. He watched it trickle down his arm before making a small heart on it with a crack down the center. 

He had skill with blades from carving in wood so his designs were quite detailed. He started feeling lightheaded and queezy yet he still added more to his wrist. His hand started to shake, messing up afew of his designs. 

He quickly got up but his knees shook and gave out from under him. Little white spots filled his vision a's they danced around. He bit his lip harder, drawing blood from there also, and pulled himself up.

He got a grand totale of one step before he fell and hit his head off the counter. A's he fell black covered white and his eyes fluttered closed.

He started to regret it but it proved a's a mightly fine distraction. His breathing shallowed a's death tryed to seaze his soul.


	5. Chapter 5

The warm water poured in a steady flow onto his body as he stripped and stepped into the shower, closing his eyes and tilting his head upwards to grant the downpour of water access to his body. 

He sighed, now looking down at the floor as water dripped from his nose. As relaxed as the comforting embrace of the heated water made him feel, he was still concerned about Kurloz.

.... no, he'd be fine, wouldn't he? It was Kurloz, and he wouldn't take Kankri's trust for granted, or would he? He ignored the pestering voice in his head, instead focusing on his increasingly drowsy state, and he could even nap heavily as soon as he got out of the shower ten minutes later.

For the next ten minutes the Vantas washed his hair, rinsed, washed his body, rinsed, and stay for five minutes in a mixture of hurtful thoughtfulness and apathy. 

Eventually he shifted to flick the switch so that the water stopped, and dried with a towel briefly across his body, tying it around his waist, walking out with a smile on his face as he dried his hair with another towel.

"Kurloz, are you-" he frowned, not seeing him on the sofa. Instead, his attention was turned towards the kitchen area, padding over puzzled. His eyes widened as he saw the limp form of Kurloz Makara, sprawled out on his carpet, Kankri' s hands shaking. This had to be a sick joke...!

He wished he would of been able to clean up before the other saw him. He didn't want him to not trust him, or even hate him. Oh gog he probably already hated him for being such a   
nuisance.

Silent tears slid down his unconscious, overly pale, face a's he laid limply. How could he of been so stupid, after all he really did like kankri...it's just the distraction was to addictive. It felt so good to releaved the pain even if only for abit. 

He just wanted to get out of there now but his body would not respond. He wanted to stop being so bothersome to the vantas. And he wished he could of just not listened to those damn voices in his head. Why did he have to give in like he did so long ago. 

He just wanted to grab the knife and stab it into his own stomach. Ending all pain he caused to others right then and there. But all he got was for his hand to slightly twitch.

Kankri trembled; he couldn't help it though. He stepped forward, falling to his knees beside the body of the Makara. His eyes widened and he reached for Kurloz' s face, leaning in close and listening for his breathing. It was faint, but it was there.

He raised two fingers, pressing them to Kurloz' s neck, feeling around for a pulse--again, incredibly and worryingly faint, compared to what it should be like. "O- Oh my God... Kurloz, Kurlo-oz, please, OH my god..." He was shaking more now, grabbing the knife and throwing it across the floor in frustration. Why had he left Kurloz alone?!

"It's all my fault, a-all my-y f-fault-" he stuttered, giving Kurloz a light shake. His attention was drawn to the blood, all the /blood./ Why.. Cronus actually drove him to this? /Cronus?/ Kankri felt nothing but a tightening in his chest and an anger at the Ampora, who had surely learned better than that.

"P-...Please don't d-die, ok?" He tried to control his breathing, but he sniffed and tears seemed to fall down his cheeks, onto Kurloz's, speaking like a vulnerable child who didn't know what to do. "I, I'll get an ambulance-"

The makara was quickly losing his grip on life, and he welcomed it. He no longer had anything left to fight for. Kankri didn't like him, or so he thought, Meulin perfered an Ampora over him. And quite frankly he felt alone a's fuck. 

He could no longer hear the other past the harsh ringing echoing through his ears and rattling his skull. His chest felt a's if it was on fire and constricting his chest. He found it increasingly hard to breathe and debated about just stopping.

It was all his fault, it was all his fault, it was all his fucking /fault.../ Kankri fisted one hand in his hair, nearly tearing it out with the force. Helpless tears flowed in a steady stream down his now red cheeks, heart pounding in his chest.

"What have I donne, what have I done, what have I /done?!/" He stood and hurriedly walked over to grab his phone, dialing the infamous 3 digit number that helped save lives. He waited for someone to pick up, moving to kneel next to Kurloz, Kankri' s tears falling onto his cheeks. "What did you do..." 

He scanned Kurloz's body, noticing the blood seeped from his arm. Gingerly, he moved one hand to overturn his hand, twisting it so his wrist faced upwards. His entire arm seemed to be full of the dark red blood flowing in his veins, a deep cut the shape of a -- broken heart? The Vantas' eyes opened wider, his lips parting in shock. 

Could Cronus have provoked this? Kankri couldn't help but glare coldly at the very thought. But before he could deal with the Ampora, he firstly had to make sure Kurloz didn't die. If he did, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. His breathing quickened and--

"Hello? I-It's my friend, he--..." he cringed as he spoke the following words. "... he's attempted suicide. And h-..he's lying on my floor, please send an ambulance-"

"where do you live sir" the person on the other end said calmly. They pulled out a pen and paper and prepared to write his adress down. 

Kurloz was starting to mentally panic. He had done this before so long ago but he had never had this much trouble breathing. He also never felt this cold before. Was this how it felt to die. But why wasn't all the pain gone. Why did his heart ache more then ever.

Kankri spoke his address into the phone clearly, hanging up and tossing it aside. His tears were gone, but he couldn't stop sniffing and there was a tightening pain in his chest consuming him. Shuffling closer to Kurloz, he listened in on his breathing again. /Even shallower than before./ Kankri took in a deep breath, reaching for a clean towel on top of the counter, using it as a make-shift bandage and tying it tightly around Kurloz's self inflicted wound.

But the question was, how was he unconscious? Blood loss, heart issues? Kankri obviously didn't know it was a blow to the head that was a final straw. He panicked a bit, only really knowing about CPR and bloodflow. Alright, check his breathing, he thought. Ripping open Kurloz's shirt, Kankri could instantly see that Kurloz's breathing was hitching; momentarily stopping, each time longer than the last.

Not knowing too much about first aid, but at least with the assurance of the ambulance on its way, he used his only possible tactics. It was apparent Kurloz would just die if he did nothing. So why not do something, at the very least? He ran his fingers along the Makara's neck, tilting his chin up, using his other hand to pinch Kurloz's nose, and then opening his mouth. And he wasn't breathing...

Kankri took in a deep breath, leaning forward and pressing his lips over Kurloz's, slowly, ever so slowly breathing outwards. Maybe, maybe this would help keep him alive a little longer.

Kurloz was to out of it to even think anymore. All he new was that some how air was still making it to his lungs. He thought he had stopped but yet he didn't have control of it right now. 

He was slightly happy knowing that meant he wasn't dying, yet upset over the same fact simultaneously. His heart beat was still dabgerously low at the same time but kankri couldn't do much about it. 

Kankris attempts would keep him alive momentarily. but if the emts didn't get there soon he would surely die. Kankri no longer had the pleasure of oven feeling warmth from the other. He was so cold he could easily be mistaken for a dead man.


	6. Chapter 6

He hadn't thought about what he was saying; he wanted to apologize and wrap his arms around Kurloz and maybe then everything would have a chance of being alright. And never had Kankri wanted someone to respond to his actions so much in his life. A part of his mind even hoped that this was some kind of sick, twisted dream, and he'd wake up to Kurloz flicking through channels whilst sitting on the sofa and arching a brow when Kankri would jolt awake from his nightmare. But that wouldn't happen. It was a real life nightmare, wasn't it?

The tears were the end for Kankri; Kurloz's silent tears slipping down his cheeks, and it sickened Kankri to the core that he was hurting, that he was in emotional trauma as of now. No, now the guilt was beginning to settle--it had been the frustration talking, and he hadn't meant to be so short tempered. 

He saw the ambulance crew rushing into the flat, and he felt so very empty in those few moments, when he saw that, the way they tried to help. "... I think he's hit his head, but I'm not sure," Kankri said hurriedly to one of them. 

Vantas just stood there, in his towel, everything moving quite slowly. His mind flashed back to how pained Kurloz had looked when he'd signed Cronus' name. What had he done that was so horrific...?

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my /God-/" He murmured beneath his breath, biting his lips as his vision became blurry, the warm flow of tears flowing down his cheeks yet again. It was funny really, how such a promising day had quickly become one of the worst.

They finally shocked a heart beat into him. But it was still uneven and low, but it was the best they could do for now. They brought in a breathing tube and machine next. 

They were giving it there all but with out him fighting anymore it wasn't doing much. They forced the tube down his throat and turned the machine on, forcing him to breath. "come on kid" one of them mumbled as they felt his pulse. "you got to at least try to live" he glanced up at kankri sadly. 

"sir do you know what happened exactly" he said a bit loader. His fellow workers checked his head for open cuts or bruises showing if that was the cause. Upon seeing the mark they frowned and stuck a cloth bag of ice with a small blue clip over the top onto his head. 

"let's get this kid to the hospital" one said pulling the other away from kankri. "hey kid, you want to go in the ambulance with him?" they questioned as the others brought kurloz out. 

Once in the ambulance the gingerly cleaned the wounds. Most had stopped bleeding, the only one left being the broken heart that they had to worry about. They bandaged it and waited for the last worker to come back, whether it be with or without kankri. 

He made a vow to himself, then and there, did Kankri; as soon as Kurloz -- there was no if's or but's here -- were to return, Kankri would simply hug him, just hold him. He felt bad, and was grateful that Kurloz probably wouldn't have heard him, right? Nevertheless, Kankri stored his faith into the medical team, willing them to return him to a living state. 

"...It started earlier today," Kankri responded. "He's mute; I found him in a wreck on the side of the street, and Kurloz, he's called, hadn't mentioned exactly what had happened yet. I offered to bring him back here and help him with some cuts and generally care for him. I just went in the shower, it was all alright and then... /This/ freaking thing-" He chewed his lower lip, eyebrows furrowing into a frown. His chest felt tight, and an impending sense of doom was in his body. Whenever it happened, Kankri honestly couldn't wait until he could speak to Kurloz Makara once again.

"Yes, I'm coming-" Granted, Kankri was merely in a towel and had just come out of the shower, but he honestly just could not care about that. He'd sort that out later, but he just had to make sure that Kurloz would be alright--and he'd make it happen. Then, maybe, once Kurloz would sleep, Kankri could go search for Cronus--or would Kurloz be against that?

He sat across from Kurloz when they were in the back of the ambulance, the last of the crew having guided him outside and spoke him through where he'd have to wait, what he'd have to do and say. It was all very formal, and yet, he barely registered any of it. "... He's.. Going to be alright, yes?" He spoke hesitantly, not wanting a bad reply. 

"hopefully...he's going to have to go on suicide watch for a month or to though, and go through therapy" they led him into the waiting room and headed back with kurloz. 

They kept reassuring him that he would have to help himself if he wanted to survive, that he can't just give up. They would force more air into his lungs abd pace back and forth as they waited for him to breath on his own. 

After about an hour they came back out to kankri. The doctor had a grim face as he spoke. "he's alive physically, but he's no longer fighting to survive on his own...I think it may be better if you talked to him" he looked at kankri and sighed. "we can only hope that it'll help"

Kurloz's heart ached now more then ever and he wanted to forfill kankris wish, so why were these people nit letting him? Why were they insisting on him living? So many questions that he would never get the answer to. 

He just wanted to make his crush happy even if that ment him dying. He wanted kankri to be happy, he no longer really cared about meulin and Cronus. Cronus could go die in a ditch for all he cared. As long as kankri was happy that is. He still felt horribly cold and he missed those warm red sweater clad arms that held him closly. 

Kankri remained completely silent and unresponsive, waiting for the door to close behind him. He felt completely numb, and yet he ached at the same time. He looked quite pathetic actually, in clothes far too big for him--it was all they could give him, as he waited for some confirmation on Kurloz. He looked tired, anguished, and emotional, riddled with many emotions at the same time. 

Breathing slowly, he walked closer to the bed, and he was weary, a part of him still hoping this was a dream. He felt guilty, worried, and unable to comprehend the site before him. Walking slowly over to the chair beside Kurloz's bed, he sat down in it in silence, sneakily reaching up to stroke the mute' s cheek with his index finger, marvelling at the smooth, pale skin. 

It wasn't often Kankri would see him like this, because it hurt him, how vulnerable Kurloz currently was. The machinery certainly didn't help, serving as a constant reminder as to just how bad his state really was.

"... You know," Kankri began quietly, softly, "I never thought my evening would be like this. You're nearly dead, and you kind of... Were. I'm finding myself at a loss for words which is shocking to say the least." He sighed, exasperated with himself for many obvious reasons. 

"I just... I really do not want you going anywhere; I want for you to hold on, but--... It's not as if you can hear me, this is a waste of time," Kankri groaned, his head resting now on Kurloz's arm.

And then he knew it; he knew what to say, and it would simply be whatever was on his mind. Lifting his head, he pulled his chair closer, playing absent-mindedly with Kurloz's hair by this point. "... I really care about you. Which is selfishly why I want you to live through this--because I simply despise any kind of goodbye with those I care about. "

"That's actually how I'm alone, so alone--there's been too many goodbyes. But... You, I definitely have no plans to lose. Which is why I need you to fight through this--and if not for my sake, do it for your own. Urge your body to get through this. I said something earlier, and I don't know if you heard me, but I'm honestly hoping you didn't--if you did, I- I'm a monster, since nobody should ever say something like that and- I didn't mean to, I swear."

He could feel himself beginning to rant, and decided to get to the point. "But... Yeah. It hurts me so much to have to see you lying here, unresponsive. When I gave you the Kiss of Life and practiced CPR. you didn't respond then, and--it worried me. How ironic, that such a small kiss saves people, heh... But I want you to live, and I just--... Please, please don't leave."

He broke off of his speech in a small, pained sob, leaning back and wiping his eyes, burying his head in his hands. He was panicking a little, this the last scene he had ever wanted to see. It hurt him, and it hurt him more than he could fathom.

Kurloz heard every word he said and it made him feel absolutely horrible. How could he be so insensitive and not notice how much he hurt Kankri. It was then that he realized he had to pull through. He had to survive for kankri. 

He started trying to force his body to respond. He wanted nothing more then to hug kankri and apologies. Apologies for hurting kankri, apologies for doing this. Apologies for everything. 

When he woke up he decided he would hug the shit out of kankri. But for now he had to work on getting his body to respond. He tryd to get his hand to move but failed. He then tryed to wiggle his fingers but failed. Finally he got his eyes to flutter open. 

His eyes were extremely unfoccused and the world was a blur to him. He could only muster enough straight to keep them open for a little before they fluttered closed again. He hoped kankri had seen and realized that he was trying now

Kankri sniffled into the far-too-large sleeves of the oversized shirt he wore, and it didn't smell of Kurloz, didn't smell of Kankri--the entire room was so blank and oddly intimidating that a thick vibe of tension and depression hung in the air around them.

All he wanted was for Kurloz to respond- but really, what was the use in hoping? What was the chance of him opening his eyes, showing normal signs of, well... simply being alive! A single, terrifying thought began to give Kankri a headache what with its dreary nature, and it was of course, the possibility of Kurloz waking up with some level of brain damage. Because if Kankri was going to be honest, he was absolutely terrified that such a thing was even a /possibility/ right now.

He eventually looked up,the tired, hopelessly anguished expression still twisting his features into a display of... Nothing. He looked as if he had no hope left, and after all that had happened today, who would even dare to blame him?

And then he saw it.

Had Kurloz just ... Opened his eyes? For at least 2 seconds, he'd seen those familiar eyes, open, yet they closed shortly afterwards. When they were open though, Kankri couldn't help but notice that his usually warm eyes were now somewhat red, and he seemed to be squinting a lot. 

In his momentary excitement, Kankri stood, standing directly next to Kurloz, his hand by instinct moving down to hold Kurloz's limp, lifeless one. He wasn't as warm as he had been earlier that day, but it was better than nothing knowing that he'd responded, even if just a little. "Kurloz? Kurloz? Kurloz! Are you... there?" He waited a few moments, watching him closely.

He honestly hoped he hadn't had imagined that.


	7. Author note:

AUTHOR NOTE: hey I'd just like to apologies for not continuing this story. I may eventually but for now I just sort of lost my muse and my partner is no longer aiding me with there wonder full part. Also I will try to add more hopefully by the end of the month. But no promises on length xp as I said I lost my amazing helper.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woot woot I finnally updated this, just to please ya'll, however it's just me writing it now so it won't be nearly as good.

A weak flutter of his heart was all that held the mute to life. Then he felt it, he felt the small hand in his, he felt the warmth emanating from it. At this point in time tho he had slipped to far into darkness tho. He was numb to all the pain. The only thing he would miss would be his savior, his kankri. It wouldn't be long now before he left him, but he had to do something first. 

With all energy that he was previously using to live he used to sign his finnal words to the cancer. 

"I'm sorry....I love you" 

Kankri nearly missed it, his joy and happiness clouding his mind. Even once his eyes darted to the movement he couldn't register it, his heart bubbling up. He pulled the nearly dead body into his small arms, warm tears sliding down his cheeks, but they were from joy rather then the sorrow that would hit him sooner then he realised. 

Kankri noticed the lumpiness and suddenly the deathly solid beep filled his ears. Next thing he knew he was being pushed back into the wall, a nurse trying CPR for that was all they could do with the do not resesatate band on his pale and scared wrist. 

Ten minutes turned to twenty and they had to give up, leaving the celebic man with his dead friend. Kankri held the body close, crying into the motionless chest. "I-I'm sorry" he sobbed out, not wanting to believe what had happened. He preyed that this was a nightmare, that it was fake, a lie. 

But that wouldn't happen, it was to late now, he could never see those purple eyes again, or at least in this life. Kankri quickly arose, tears burning his cheeks. He was tired of loosing people, he couldn't bare to loose another one he held dear. 

Kankri ran as fast as his legs would move, not caring as he lost his breath and his throat burned. He was so tired of this, so tired of loosing everybody. It was time he rid the world of his mistakes. 

He forced open the door to his house, ignoring his "special" neighbor as he asked what was wrong. He wouldn't matter much longer. Kankri went to his roof, te crisp air chilling him to the bone as the wind wipped the rain around. Tears stung at his eyes once again as he stood on the edge, ignoring every thing, despight as his neighbor screamed for him, trying to get him to stop. 

"K-kan!" Mituna shouted, "pleathe....p-pleathe thtop" he sobbed out as he shook from not only fear but also from the freezing winds. "P-pleathe" he begged, his feathery hair covering his tear filled, mutated, eyes.

Mituna knew no matter how much he begged it wouldn't change a thing, he was to late, he was always to late. He tryed again and again but as soon as he Saw the body tip forward that it was to late. He covered his eyes as he sobbed, slowly but surely sliding to his knees.


	9. Chapter 9

Mituna heard the deafening crack of the body. He peered between fingures, gasping and running forward to the others body. He wasn't sure if kankri was alive or dead. He held him in his arms, brushing the blood caked hair from the closed eyes of the other, "k-kan?" He squeaked out, tears still streaking his cheeks. 

Kankri opened his eyes, attempting to say something but he only choked on his own blood. It splattered up onto his pailing face. He felt the faint and fading touches of the other as he wiped at the blood and stumbled to call 911. But it didn't matter, he would be with every one else soon. He would be with Kurloz most of all tho. 

Mituna freaked when he saw the added blood, he jumped to action and dialed 911, tears filling his eyes. "Pleathe kan...pleathe..." Mituna was unaware of the other male approaching him. It was his long term stalker Cronus. However it wasn't always like that.

Back before the accident they were friends. Cronus would never hurt him. But now, and after the accident, Cronus was a complete ass. He would purposely hurt mituna and anyone he saw mituna with. He would often harass the younger one, and in highschool he would beat him up and shove him into lockers. 

Cronus fell to his knees next to the struggling Gemini. He draped his arm around the others shoulders, pulling him closely. "Sorry..." He felt a pang in his heart, tears forming in his deep purple eyes. Mituna didn't want to believe it, not only was it hard to believe that Cronus was there offering a shoulder to cry on but his neighbor was dying in his arms.

Mituna was to out of it to hear the sirens in the distance, or even as they came. He couldn't register the medics pulling him back. He was crying to hard to even register the puddle that he fell into, he just curled up and sobbed. 

After ten minutes turned to twenty, which then faded to an hour he finally started to calm down. Cronus was petting his messy hair, attempting to run his fingers thru what little that wasn't knotted.   
"Shhhhh~" he wiped the moist streaks off his pail cheeks. "It's all going to be alright...he's at a better place now...."


End file.
